A clear sign that you have not yet forgiven is when you want revenge. Perhaps you want them to FEEL what they've done for you and think that until they feel that pain they have caused you, they don't understand.
Maybe you feel that remorse will help you have a better relationship with that person.
Do you really think it would make you feel better? Seeing the remorse in them will only remind you of your own hurt everytime you see them or think about them and that is no basis to try build a better relationship. You will merely make the both of you unhappy. It may seem worth it - but I promise you, it's NOT. It just makes it worse.
You will only be able to move forward once you have forgiven. You also know that you truly have forgiven when you can think of that person without any negative emotions surfacing. You will actually feel light and free - it's worth it!!! I waited for more than 10 years to forgive and feel like I have wasted those years.
I urge you - forgive. Don't waste time like me. Read the May 2007 posting on Forgiving for You.
Please let me know what you think.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Monday, June 11, 2007
Unintentional Adult Bullying
Do you sometimes feel that people don't take you serious as a young adult? Yes, I know. It's a huge bugbear in my life.
I've been living as an adult since age 18 and had my own business since 20. Being bullied as a young teenager also matures you very quickly. Yet, people don't know that though and sometimes treat me like I'm stupid; They'd talk right over me, ignore me or look at me in astonishment when I say something they don't know - simply because I have experience in that particular field.
The reality is that they dismiss whatever I'm saying because I know more about a certain topic than they do and they think that I must be living in La-La-Land to think that I know more than they do. If I happen to make sense in what I'm saying they feel silly because they didn't think about it first!
I have a lot of experience about internet related things and have a few friends that know absolutely nothing about it. They'd sometimes ask me questions about it, and when I answer they'd say "But my friend X said this or that" when it's something I work with on a daily basis and know for a fact their friend is mistaken. I'd just shrug and say "then they obviously know what they are talking about - as them. If they don't get it right, come to me." and walk out. Hey - less work for me and I'm not going to look like a fool when it doesn't work!
People 8 years older than me and up seem to think they've got rights to shove me around and you know what - it doesn't actually bother me. I feel sorry for them.
I just look forward to the day they realise that they are wrong - and that day is inevitable!
I've been living as an adult since age 18 and had my own business since 20. Being bullied as a young teenager also matures you very quickly. Yet, people don't know that though and sometimes treat me like I'm stupid; They'd talk right over me, ignore me or look at me in astonishment when I say something they don't know - simply because I have experience in that particular field.
The reality is that they dismiss whatever I'm saying because I know more about a certain topic than they do and they think that I must be living in La-La-Land to think that I know more than they do. If I happen to make sense in what I'm saying they feel silly because they didn't think about it first!
I have a lot of experience about internet related things and have a few friends that know absolutely nothing about it. They'd sometimes ask me questions about it, and when I answer they'd say "But my friend X said this or that" when it's something I work with on a daily basis and know for a fact their friend is mistaken. I'd just shrug and say "then they obviously know what they are talking about - as them. If they don't get it right, come to me." and walk out. Hey - less work for me and I'm not going to look like a fool when it doesn't work!
People 8 years older than me and up seem to think they've got rights to shove me around and you know what - it doesn't actually bother me. I feel sorry for them.
I just look forward to the day they realise that they are wrong - and that day is inevitable!
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Suicide and other coping mechanisms
Hello Guys
Today I want to talk about a common topic where teens are concerned, bullied or otherwise.
I've also been a teen and a troubled one at that.I've tried to commit suicide numerous times until about 2-3 years ago. I've been lucky in that I've always had loads of support and someone always managed to stop me in time or talk me out of it when those thoughts crept into my mind.
The first time when this happened I went to see a psychologist. I only went for one session as I did not feel she understood. The fact that she was a part time social worker made her extremely solution minded and her suggestions were as such too - I found them all very extreme and felt that they would cause me more anguish than I already had. I tried to explain that to her and she told me that if I didn't want to do as she said, she can't help me. I refused to see her again.
My mom and I had many arguments as she wanted me to go see a professional and I felt that they are all the same - it's easy to tell you what to do and how to isolate one even more and cause more anguish. What I needed were coping skills.
Finally I found a friend who hasn't been in my situation, but she was very understanding and a few years older. Immediately I had more confidence as well as someone I could talk to about things. My mom has always been the most prominent force in my life, however at the time she was hurting too and I didn't want to make her load more heavy than it already was.
Having someone closer to my own age to confide in was helpful. I didn't realise at the time, but she did keep my mom very much in the loop as to what was going on with me, not that I minded. I was just so ashamed of myself and held my mom in high esteem and didn't want to lose her respect - bizarre as that may sound!
Parenting or supporting someone who is being bullied can't be easy. I can imagine that some of their characteristics must be frustrating. I developed a "sorry I'm alive" attitude - I wouldn't accept any niceties, I'd sit quietly in a crowd and not talk to anyone, I'd make excuses not to go anywhere that my bullies would find out about and one really embarrassing one - I would be so consumed with what others thought that I wouldn't listen to what is said and when someone asked what I thought, I wouldn't have a clue what was said... Another one I only recently dropped is to say "no thanks" all the time. Yeah - really rude!
My friend helped me to gain confidence, because she made me feel like I belonged. When I left my hometown for the "big bad city", I had to find new friends.
I think what worked for me was finding Wade (he was the first person I met) and he really took me under his wing. The idea is to cultivate a relationship in which you can make a victim feel a sense of belonging and trust and then slowly adding different people, one at a time so that the victim can learn that there are people that can be trusted.
When one of the new group of friends betray their trust, the other members should be supportive and explain to her the importance of focusing on the "good" friends and the insignificance of the person who hurt her in her life. That person was obviously a toxic influence to start with, hence - let's focus on who's left and her positive attributes that were obviously cause for envy in the person who behaved in a toxic manner.
This is a heavy posting and therefore I will leave it here for now. Perhaps I will go into more detail later.
I do want to offer my "big sister" ear to anyone who needs one - please see my site for contact details. If you phone and I'm not available, please do leave a message. Remember, I do have a business, so I don't always get to all the phones at the same time! It doesn't mean that I don't want to talk to you.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Today I want to talk about a common topic where teens are concerned, bullied or otherwise.
I've also been a teen and a troubled one at that.I've tried to commit suicide numerous times until about 2-3 years ago. I've been lucky in that I've always had loads of support and someone always managed to stop me in time or talk me out of it when those thoughts crept into my mind.
The first time when this happened I went to see a psychologist. I only went for one session as I did not feel she understood. The fact that she was a part time social worker made her extremely solution minded and her suggestions were as such too - I found them all very extreme and felt that they would cause me more anguish than I already had. I tried to explain that to her and she told me that if I didn't want to do as she said, she can't help me. I refused to see her again.
My mom and I had many arguments as she wanted me to go see a professional and I felt that they are all the same - it's easy to tell you what to do and how to isolate one even more and cause more anguish. What I needed were coping skills.
Finally I found a friend who hasn't been in my situation, but she was very understanding and a few years older. Immediately I had more confidence as well as someone I could talk to about things. My mom has always been the most prominent force in my life, however at the time she was hurting too and I didn't want to make her load more heavy than it already was.
Having someone closer to my own age to confide in was helpful. I didn't realise at the time, but she did keep my mom very much in the loop as to what was going on with me, not that I minded. I was just so ashamed of myself and held my mom in high esteem and didn't want to lose her respect - bizarre as that may sound!
Parenting or supporting someone who is being bullied can't be easy. I can imagine that some of their characteristics must be frustrating. I developed a "sorry I'm alive" attitude - I wouldn't accept any niceties, I'd sit quietly in a crowd and not talk to anyone, I'd make excuses not to go anywhere that my bullies would find out about and one really embarrassing one - I would be so consumed with what others thought that I wouldn't listen to what is said and when someone asked what I thought, I wouldn't have a clue what was said... Another one I only recently dropped is to say "no thanks" all the time. Yeah - really rude!
My friend helped me to gain confidence, because she made me feel like I belonged. When I left my hometown for the "big bad city", I had to find new friends.
I think what worked for me was finding Wade (he was the first person I met) and he really took me under his wing. The idea is to cultivate a relationship in which you can make a victim feel a sense of belonging and trust and then slowly adding different people, one at a time so that the victim can learn that there are people that can be trusted.
When one of the new group of friends betray their trust, the other members should be supportive and explain to her the importance of focusing on the "good" friends and the insignificance of the person who hurt her in her life. That person was obviously a toxic influence to start with, hence - let's focus on who's left and her positive attributes that were obviously cause for envy in the person who behaved in a toxic manner.
This is a heavy posting and therefore I will leave it here for now. Perhaps I will go into more detail later.
I do want to offer my "big sister" ear to anyone who needs one - please see my site for contact details. If you phone and I'm not available, please do leave a message. Remember, I do have a business, so I don't always get to all the phones at the same time! It doesn't mean that I don't want to talk to you.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Happy Youth Day!
Today is National Youth day in South Africa and therefore I want to wish the youth all over the world HAPPY YOUTH DAY!
I am often very saddened by the victimisation, abuse and senseless killings of youth, especially in South Africa where we hear so many horror stories. It seems we cannot take our eyes of our children for one split-second and I do my best never to take my eyes of my kids, which is very difficult, with two energetic little 5 year old monsters.
I want to appeal to the adults reading this site: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE - be aware of your environment. It's not 1960 when you were growing up or were a teenager - things have CHANGED. Look after your children. There are so many "baddies" out there, not to mention peer pressure and complete sicko's. What's going to happen to our youth when the adults don't step in?
Drop and collect your kids wherever possible. Only leave them with people you trust completely and even then, still check up. Know who your kids are hanging out with - let them hang at your place instead of another kid's place. Make your home a place where the kids WANT to be - let them know that they can be themselves within limits, but there are rules and they are protected.
Most of all - let your kids know every day before leaving for school and every night before they go to bed that they are the best and that you are lucky to have them. Let them know that you won't be as happy as you are if it weren't for them being in their lives. Never go to sleep with bad feelings in your heart where your family (that includes spouse AND kids) is concerned and never leave your home with bad feelings.
Those are little pearls of wisdom included in my upcoming relationship/marriage book which will hopefully be sometime in this lifetime!!! ;-)
On this day I want to tell the world what a happy youth day it is for me - thanks to my 3 youths: Wade (yeah, he's over the hill, but he's also my baby!) and John-Ross and Debbie. I love you guys LOTS!
Have a good day everyone!
I am often very saddened by the victimisation, abuse and senseless killings of youth, especially in South Africa where we hear so many horror stories. It seems we cannot take our eyes of our children for one split-second and I do my best never to take my eyes of my kids, which is very difficult, with two energetic little 5 year old monsters.
I want to appeal to the adults reading this site: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE - be aware of your environment. It's not 1960 when you were growing up or were a teenager - things have CHANGED. Look after your children. There are so many "baddies" out there, not to mention peer pressure and complete sicko's. What's going to happen to our youth when the adults don't step in?
Drop and collect your kids wherever possible. Only leave them with people you trust completely and even then, still check up. Know who your kids are hanging out with - let them hang at your place instead of another kid's place. Make your home a place where the kids WANT to be - let them know that they can be themselves within limits, but there are rules and they are protected.
Most of all - let your kids know every day before leaving for school and every night before they go to bed that they are the best and that you are lucky to have them. Let them know that you won't be as happy as you are if it weren't for them being in their lives. Never go to sleep with bad feelings in your heart where your family (that includes spouse AND kids) is concerned and never leave your home with bad feelings.
Those are little pearls of wisdom included in my upcoming relationship/marriage book which will hopefully be sometime in this lifetime!!! ;-)
On this day I want to tell the world what a happy youth day it is for me - thanks to my 3 youths: Wade (yeah, he's over the hill, but he's also my baby!) and John-Ross and Debbie. I love you guys LOTS!
Have a good day everyone!
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I've joined a social network service and need a few testimonials.
If you've liked something you read on my blog or my site www.adigc.com, please join www.mygenius.co.za and recommend my work!
If you are looking for work or business contacts - you will meet many on there!
Thank you
Sunday, June 3, 2007
What you want, what you need and what you deserve
Hi Everyone
Early on a freezing cold Monday morning and I'm out here thinking what I can discuss that would make a difference to your life today. I'm trying to condense all the answers into just one blog posting, but even though I'm blonde - I know that's impossible. LOL
Okay, so I was thinking the other day about people in general. What do you WANT? If you are in a situation where you are being bullied, you probably want acceptance. You don't necessarily need it though and in my experience, I am sure you deserve it. You probably did nothing wrong (in the opinion of normal people) to aggravate the bully.
To create a better understanding for the fact that bullies are really the weaker person - let's look at their position. What do they want? They want to pull you down to their level. They want you to feel as bad about yourself as they do. What do they need? They are insecure and need constant encouragement and acceptance - usually from the wrong people. Most of all - they obviously secretly admire you, hence the jealousy and trying to ruin your efforts/reputation.
What do bullies deserve? They deserve to be put into place. You need to stop giving them the "kick" they get out of their deeds by acting hurt or upset or even angry.
YOU deserve RESPECT and you need to assert your position in no uncertain terms.
Next to our complex live a huge family who tend to get drunk / drugged on weekends and make life utter hell for my neighbour. When my family arrived home yesterday they were outside our gate, shouting abuse and mocking us. They must've been high, because they never do that when they are of sober mind. I looked at Wade and said "Do you think they are talking to us?" He replied "I don't really care!" - we laughed and walked inside as usual. The mocking STOPPED, straight away.
Nothing embarrasses a bully like being laughed at. It has to be done subtly though - they need to see it, but they must not hear what you say.
Bullies do have a problem though, mentally and therefore you need to discuss it with adults or other authorities who can take action and get them to see a psychologist or some form of a therapist who can set them straight.
Remember YOU are not the problem, the bully is the one who has a problem. You need to pity them, as they don't even realise this.
Have a wonderful week ahead.
Lizette
Early on a freezing cold Monday morning and I'm out here thinking what I can discuss that would make a difference to your life today. I'm trying to condense all the answers into just one blog posting, but even though I'm blonde - I know that's impossible. LOL
Okay, so I was thinking the other day about people in general. What do you WANT? If you are in a situation where you are being bullied, you probably want acceptance. You don't necessarily need it though and in my experience, I am sure you deserve it. You probably did nothing wrong (in the opinion of normal people) to aggravate the bully.
To create a better understanding for the fact that bullies are really the weaker person - let's look at their position. What do they want? They want to pull you down to their level. They want you to feel as bad about yourself as they do. What do they need? They are insecure and need constant encouragement and acceptance - usually from the wrong people. Most of all - they obviously secretly admire you, hence the jealousy and trying to ruin your efforts/reputation.
What do bullies deserve? They deserve to be put into place. You need to stop giving them the "kick" they get out of their deeds by acting hurt or upset or even angry.
YOU deserve RESPECT and you need to assert your position in no uncertain terms.
Next to our complex live a huge family who tend to get drunk / drugged on weekends and make life utter hell for my neighbour. When my family arrived home yesterday they were outside our gate, shouting abuse and mocking us. They must've been high, because they never do that when they are of sober mind. I looked at Wade and said "Do you think they are talking to us?" He replied "I don't really care!" - we laughed and walked inside as usual. The mocking STOPPED, straight away.
Nothing embarrasses a bully like being laughed at. It has to be done subtly though - they need to see it, but they must not hear what you say.
Bullies do have a problem though, mentally and therefore you need to discuss it with adults or other authorities who can take action and get them to see a psychologist or some form of a therapist who can set them straight.
Remember YOU are not the problem, the bully is the one who has a problem. You need to pity them, as they don't even realise this.
Have a wonderful week ahead.
Lizette
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