Revenge

A clear sign that you have not yet forgiven is when you want revenge. Perhaps you want them to FEEL what they've done for you and think that until they feel that pain they have caused you, they don't understand.

Maybe you feel that remorse will help you have a better relationship with that person.

Do you really think it would make you feel better? Seeing the remorse in them will only remind you of your own hurt everytime you see them or think about them and that is no basis to try build a better relationship. You will merely make the both of you unhappy. It may seem worth it - but I promise you, it's NOT. It just makes it worse.

You will only be able to move forward once you have forgiven. You also know that you truly have forgiven when you can think of that person without any negative emotions surfacing. You will actually feel light and free - it's worth it!!! I waited for more than 10 years to forgive and feel like I have wasted those years.

I urge you - forgive. Don't waste time like me. Read the May 2007 posting on Forgiving for You.

Please let me know what you think.

Unintentional Adult Bullying

Do you sometimes feel that people don't take you serious as a young adult? Yes, I know. It's a huge bugbear in my life.

I've been living as an adult since age 18 and had my own business since 20. Being bullied as a young teenager also matures you very quickly. Yet, people don't know that though and sometimes treat me like I'm stupid; They'd talk right over me, ignore me or look at me in astonishment when I say something they don't know - simply because I have experience in that particular field.

The reality is that they dismiss whatever I'm saying because I know more about a certain topic than they do and they think that I must be living in La-La-Land to think that I know more than they do. If I happen to make sense in what I'm saying they feel silly because they didn't think about it first!

I have a lot of experience about internet related things and have a few friends that know absolutely nothing about it. They'd sometimes ask me questions about it, and when I answer they'd say "But my friend X said this or that" when it's something I work with on a daily basis and know for a fact their friend is mistaken. I'd just shrug and say "then they obviously know what they are talking about - as them. If they don't get it right, come to me." and walk out. Hey - less work for me and I'm not going to look like a fool when it doesn't work!

People 8 years older than me and up seem to think they've got rights to shove me around and you know what - it doesn't actually bother me. I feel sorry for them.

I just look forward to the day they realise that they are wrong - and that day is inevitable!

Suicide and other coping mechanisms

Hello Guys

Today I want to talk about a common topic where teens are concerned, bullied or otherwise.

I've also been a teen and a troubled one at that.I've tried to commit suicide numerous times until about 2-3 years ago. I've been lucky in that I've always had loads of support and someone always managed to stop me in time or talk me out of it when those thoughts crept into my mind.

The first time when this happened I went to see a psychologist. I only went for one session as I did not feel she understood. The fact that she was a part time social worker made her extremely solution minded and her suggestions were as such too - I found them all very extreme and felt that they would cause me more anguish than I already had. I tried to explain that to her and she told me that if I didn't want to do as she said, she can't help me. I refused to see her again.

My mom and I had many arguments as she wanted me to go see a professional and I felt that they are all the same - it's easy to tell you what to do and how to isolate one even more and cause more anguish. What I needed were coping skills.

Finally I found a friend who hasn't been in my situation, but she was very understanding and a few years older. Immediately I had more confidence as well as someone I could talk to about things. My mom has always been the most prominent force in my life, however at the time she was hurting too and I didn't want to make her load more heavy than it already was.

Having someone closer to my own age to confide in was helpful. I didn't realise at the time, but she did keep my mom very much in the loop as to what was going on with me, not that I minded. I was just so ashamed of myself and held my mom in high esteem and didn't want to lose her respect - bizarre as that may sound!

Parenting or supporting someone who is being bullied can't be easy. I can imagine that some of their characteristics must be frustrating. I developed a "sorry I'm alive" attitude - I wouldn't accept any niceties, I'd sit quietly in a crowd and not talk to anyone, I'd make excuses not to go anywhere that my bullies would find out about and one really embarrassing one - I would be so consumed with what others thought that I wouldn't listen to what is said and when someone asked what I thought, I wouldn't have a clue what was said... Another one I only recently dropped is to say "no thanks" all the time. Yeah - really rude!

My friend helped me to gain confidence, because she made me feel like I belonged. When I left my hometown for the "big bad city", I had to find new friends.

I think what worked for me was finding Wade (he was the first person I met) and he really took me under his wing. The idea is to cultivate a relationship in which you can make a victim feel a sense of belonging and trust and then slowly adding different people, one at a time so that the victim can learn that there are people that can be trusted.

When one of the new group of friends betray their trust, the other members should be supportive and explain to her the importance of focusing on the "good" friends and the insignificance of the person who hurt her in her life. That person was obviously a toxic influence to start with, hence - let's focus on who's left and her positive attributes that were obviously cause for envy in the person who behaved in a toxic manner.

This is a heavy posting and therefore I will leave it here for now. Perhaps I will go into more detail later.

I do want to offer my "big sister" ear to anyone who needs one - please see my site for contact details. If you phone and I'm not available, please do leave a message. Remember, I do have a business, so I don't always get to all the phones at the same time! It doesn't mean that I don't want to talk to you.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Happy Youth Day!

Today is National Youth day in South Africa and therefore I want to wish the youth all over the world HAPPY YOUTH DAY!

I am often very saddened by the victimisation, abuse and senseless killings of youth, especially in South Africa where we hear so many horror stories. It seems we cannot take our eyes of our children for one split-second and I do my best never to take my eyes of my kids, which is very difficult, with two energetic little 5 year old monsters.

I want to appeal to the adults reading this site: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE - be aware of your environment. It's not 1960 when you were growing up or were a teenager - things have CHANGED. Look after your children. There are so many "baddies" out there, not to mention peer pressure and complete sicko's. What's going to happen to our youth when the adults don't step in?

Drop and collect your kids wherever possible. Only leave them with people you trust completely and even then, still check up. Know who your kids are hanging out with - let them hang at your place instead of another kid's place. Make your home a place where the kids WANT to be - let them know that they can be themselves within limits, but there are rules and they are protected.

Most of all - let your kids know every day before leaving for school and every night before they go to bed that they are the best and that you are lucky to have them. Let them know that you won't be as happy as you are if it weren't for them being in their lives. Never go to sleep with bad feelings in your heart where your family (that includes spouse AND kids) is concerned and never leave your home with bad feelings.

Those are little pearls of wisdom included in my upcoming relationship/marriage book which will hopefully be sometime in this lifetime!!! ;-)

On this day I want to tell the world what a happy youth day it is for me - thanks to my 3 youths: Wade (yeah, he's over the hill, but he's also my baby!) and John-Ross and Debbie. I love you guys LOTS!

Have a good day everyone!

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What you want, what you need and what you deserve

Hi Everyone

Early on a freezing cold Monday morning and I'm out here thinking what I can discuss that would make a difference to your life today. I'm trying to condense all the answers into just one blog posting, but even though I'm blonde - I know that's impossible. LOL

Okay, so I was thinking the other day about people in general. What do you WANT? If you are in a situation where you are being bullied, you probably want acceptance. You don't necessarily need it though and in my experience, I am sure you deserve it. You probably did nothing wrong (in the opinion of normal people) to aggravate the bully.

To create a better understanding for the fact that bullies are really the weaker person - let's look at their position. What do they want? They want to pull you down to their level. They want you to feel as bad about yourself as they do. What do they need? They are insecure and need constant encouragement and acceptance - usually from the wrong people. Most of all - they obviously secretly admire you, hence the jealousy and trying to ruin your efforts/reputation.

What do bullies deserve? They deserve to be put into place. You need to stop giving them the "kick" they get out of their deeds by acting hurt or upset or even angry.

YOU deserve RESPECT and you need to assert your position in no uncertain terms.

Next to our complex live a huge family who tend to get drunk / drugged on weekends and make life utter hell for my neighbour. When my family arrived home yesterday they were outside our gate, shouting abuse and mocking us. They must've been high, because they never do that when they are of sober mind. I looked at Wade and said "Do you think they are talking to us?" He replied "I don't really care!" - we laughed and walked inside as usual. The mocking STOPPED, straight away.

Nothing embarrasses a bully like being laughed at. It has to be done subtly though - they need to see it, but they must not hear what you say.

Bullies do have a problem though, mentally and therefore you need to discuss it with adults or other authorities who can take action and get them to see a psychologist or some form of a therapist who can set them straight.

Remember YOU are not the problem, the bully is the one who has a problem. You need to pity them, as they don't even realise this.

Have a wonderful week ahead.

Lizette

Panic Attacks, Migraines...

I'm not really a tablet-ty person myself and I need you to be responsible. Discuss any medications you decide to take with your doctor and with your parents, if you are under 21.

Until recently, I was sick all the time despite loads of vitamins daily. Nothing helped.Finally I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder, i.e. I was having panic attacks that knocked the stuffing out of me and often set on a migraine.

For those who don't know what this is like - it's different for everyone, but this is my experience:
You'd be sitting on a bus or a waiting room, classroom for instance and start feeling claustrophobic,short of breath, rapid heart-beat,sweaty,nauseas, possibly headache... you'll think that you are dying. I usually get pretty paranoid and angry at the same time as I'd feel out of control. When it's over I'd have a migraine and have to go to bed - no matter what the time is. The migraine would persist until the next day.

A migraine is usually a VERY SEVERE headache, just behind / around the eyes. It feels like your eyes are popping out and your neck could be sore. Also, you'd usually be nauseas as well. Very few pills seem to do the trick.

I have found that practicing breathing s.l.o.w.l.y. and visualization work for me.

Exercise is a great stress-reliever.

Taking relaxing baths and realizing that doing everything perfectly and carefully and stressing about it (I'd put Monk to shame!) is not a guarantee that things can't still go wrong. My motto: If you stress, you die - if you don't stress you still die. What's the point in stressing? At least try to enjoy the ride!

Besides - what's the point of stressing? If it all goes smoothly - you couldn't even enjoy the victory, because you were too stressed.

Medications - REMEMBER - I'm not advocating these - I'm merely telling you what works for me. Everyone is different, we all have unique bodies and some of these medications could be VERY BAD for you. Speak to your parents and doctor!!!

For panic attacks - I use a beta-blocker (half in the morning and half at lunch. I take another when I feel the onset of a migraine or panic attack). A beta-blocker is really for high blood pressure and it makes sense, because when you are uptight your blood pressure rises. A headache causes arteries to contract and beta-blockers open them up. I know for a fact people with asthma can't take the kind I'm on - so speak to your doctor.

Emergency Migraine Relief: I once bought a migraine cocktail from a pharmacy. Most pharmacies have their own version. It's 3 tablets - 1 x anti-inflammatory, 1 x anti-nausea tablet and 1 x tension headache tablet. I add a a beta-blocker to that... Just supply your own bed!

For chronic migraines: Stay away from all the nice things... Chocolate, cheese, alcohol, eggs, cakes, sometimes even bread, dairy products. I noticed for me that before a migraine I crave NikNaks and the moment I have them the migraine sets in. I don't like staying away from nice foods, but when I feel the onset, I do avoid them for a few hours.. ;-)

How do you know you're getting a migraine?

Again - that depends, but most people get these symptoms: blurry vision or "tunnel" vision, a feeling of melancholy - people may say you seem quiet, sore neck / shoulders.

I hope this info helps. If you have any of your own advice - please post a comment!

PS: Remember - I'm not a doctor - speak to your doc before taking meds.

Are bullies happy?

I've had so many insights in the last week or so about the character of a bully.

For me, the worst thing about being bullied is losing face. It feels like they made me a lesser being by cutting me up with their words.

Someone said some really horrible things to me yesterday - all of it untrue and extremely venomous. I was HURT to say the very least. Even Wade was in a state and actually wanted to kill. After many hours and a migraine (I get many of those - I'll post a separate message on how to cope with that) we sat down and discussed it. That is not always easy, but you must discuss it with a supportive person. Do not brood on it.

We mainly discussed the event and the fact that this person had no right to say those things to me. During this conversation I tried to analyse it more and tried to figure out what pushed her to say those things and in such a way. There were a million different ways to get her point across - why did she do it so viciously?

I then realised the following:

1. She's an under-achiever and she's never been happy for good things happening in my life... in the 7 years we've known each other.
2. I'm also superior to her in the work-place and she's about 12 years older than me - she's obviously pushing the boundaries.
3. She doesn't add or take anything away from me emotionally or physically.

The above points 1) and 2) could cause a lot of anger and resentment. When you are angry you cannot think clearly and in a solution-oriented way and that is when you do and say really stupid things.

I'm decided that I owe her nothing and she only owes me an apology for the disgusting things she has said.

Yes, I know the above advice doesn't give you back what you feel has been taken from you or heal the "stab-wounds" in your heart - but if you let it fester inside your mind and heart it will take away even more from you.

Decide for yourself - is this person worth a migraine? If that's how they feel about you, they can't have a bunch of self-worth as it is. A friend once said that you should not urinate with skunks.

What's your take?

Great people bully too....

Sometimes good friends may have a mild, subconscious, but very real envy of you. This would manifest in snide and seemingly 'joking' remarks. This 'subconscious' bully may care about you deeply and may never want to hurt you - they wouldn't be aware of the fact that their words hurt you.

I recently had an incident like this. I didn't react in the right way and said something hurtful back - I am not proud of that. The right thing is to say something to shock them to reality, but in a nice 'joking' way.

Promptly afterwards I apologized and said I didn't mean what I said. It's also good to say something to dispel whatever they said. For instance, if they say "you are fat!" - you should say something like "that's a mean thing to say, but if it makes you feel good to say that, it's fine." Later on apologize like this "I am sorry for saying you are mean. You should understand that my brain is really large from all the knowledge contained inside it and therefore it's spilling out into the rest of my body, therefore I may look fat, but I'm really just very intelligent."

This does a couple of things for you:

1) It puts them in their place smartly
2) If gives you the opportunity to be direct about your feelings without exposing you to more hurt
3) It gives you the opportunity to teach them that it's not right to say nasty things about you
4) It shows them that you don't care about whatever it is they were nasty about, in this case your 'being fat'.

It works beautifully... every time!

Please let me know if you have any such success stories.

PS: I got my first US $ cheque from www.directmatches.com/madgenius today! Join now for FREE!

Thank you Leon

I received a beautiful message today from Leon Botha:

"The most potent weapon in the hands of the oppressor is the mind of the
oppressed"- Steve Bantu Biko
A grasp over your mind is what they want, because THEY feel inferior.
Know this, & that no matter how far they go, or how they make you feel...
they can NEVER have your mind!
I know... I live in a world DESIGNED for others. (Often exclusively)
Balance is true power, power without a need to use it.
Stay strong & ALWAYS love & respect yourself,
Peace->Leon Botha

All I can say is "brillian"... when you strike that balance, that is when you have the power and you never need give your power away. Giving power away is when you start believing what the bullies say about you and you start to get insecure and withdraw - that's exactly what they want you to do. When your life revolves around the bullies and you start making decisions about where to go and where and how to behave, you are giving power away.

Put yourself first, trust in yourself and as Leon Says - Stay strong & ALWAYS love & respect yourself

Adult Bullying

As I said on Saturday morning, adults also bully. I got bullied Saturday night on two different occasions by two different people. I was in a great mood, aiming to please and be kind and they basically just bit my head off for no reason. It irked me pretty badly, so I snapped right back at the one and I went very quiet with the other one - making it clear that nobody talks to me that way without saying a word.

Wade was not around at the time when it happened, else he would've told them to back off and I didn't tell him either. I got into a bit of victim-mode and sulked - when Wade got to me, he thought I was angry because he watched sport the whole day. He felt terrible and today he made up for it today - after I told him what had happened. He was hyper-supportive and told me that I shouldn't even be listening to other people's rubbish ramblings because it's meaningless. I agreed and straight away felt better. Today my bullies were ready to back off and eager to please!

Here's the gist: 1) Bullies hate it when you're in a good mood, but you should never let others dictate how you should feel on any given day. Bullies are generally miserable people with negative thought patterns. 2) Set your boundaries and stick to them. When you are in a good mood you're more likely to be compliant and let others push you around. 3) Have a support-structure in place - someone who makes you feel good and supports you, no matter what. Whether it be your parents or a close friend. If you don't have anyone around - I'm here for you anytime!

Here's to wishing you a great week ahead!

For those of you who have websites and want more hits - this works!!!

When will it end?

My mom once said to me that there will always be bullies. At the time I didn't understand why she'd say such a negative thing. She was right though. Even as an adult, I get bullied sometimes. But it can be stopped. Here's the deal:

As you saw on my site, bullies actually pick their victims carefully. They look for "vulnerabilities" in you which they can pick on. Those are usually also the characteristics in you that they envy. Bullies really want to be just like you - which makes you the better person.

In order to stop bullying you need to get tough. You need to be able to defend yourself without the bully getting a notion that they are getting to you. You cannot let anyone get to you!

This doesn't mean you need to get hard and tough like I did. Remain true to yourself. You need to up your confidence and try to IGNORE the bully wherever possible. Do not let them know they are getting to you!

I don't want to get you down - so I'll leave you on a positive note - adult bullies are so much easier to deal with because they are the weakest of the weak. They are like little dogs yapping at your heels and their accusations / insults are so lame that they actually can't get to you no matter how hard they try.

So CHIN UP! Have a good weekend!

I hope this helps you. For more info check out my website.

Time doesn't heal

I'm sure people have said that to you before "Time heals all wounds" - that's completely and utterly untrue. Dr Phil says that it's not the time that heals, but what happens during the time. It's the decisions you make during the healing process.

When I realised how bullying affected my life, I did an exercise that I suggest you do too. I first thought about the times I was bullied and how they affected me - then I took a hard look at where I was emotionally and then I projected into the future and tried to imagine what I would feel like and what my life would be like in 10 years if I felt the way I did now in 10 years' time. Yes, the picture didn't look too pretty.

But I took it a step further. I tried to look at the picture in my mind of what my "perfect" situation would be like. If I was never bullied - how would my life have been like. At this point you could become negative if you think that it's impossible to achieve, but it's not.

Now think of the differences between your "bad" picture and your "good" picture. This will give you a good idea of what you need to change in order to achieve your perfect picture.

Be positive - you've got to live your life and it's your choice how you want to go about it. Nothing is going to stop people from bullying you - it's up to you how you are going to change your internal response to it.

Please let me know if you need any assistance in dealing with this.... www.adigc.com

Early Blooming

One of my worst memories about the time when I was bullied was at 11 when I had to start wearing a bra. My bully started wearing a bra at 16, not because she needed to, but she was the only one in the school who didn't need one yet. At 11 there is absolutely no pleasure in cleavage. She made some horrible gestures, pulling a horrible face while I was changing for PT in a little corner where nobody could see me. She then proceeded to telling everyone that I wore a bra and started telling the boys about my (imaginary) sexual activities. The truth is that I was a virgin for many years after that - thanks to her, I should say. And I am happy about that!

It's totally uncool to be the school tramp who sleeps with every dude in school. I am proud of the fact that I have never made an idiot of myself running after men and that I never got drunk, did drugs and embarrassed myself in public. Still I think that being remembered as a school bully says so much more about your bad character than merely sleeping around and drinking yourself into a stupor.

Girls - you need to KEEP YOUR DIGNITY. Keep yourself clean, live healthily and rejoice in your femininity!!!

"Let my enemies live long enough to see my success!"

A Weighty Issue

Being overweight is often the subject of bullying and this quickly makes matters worse as your self-worth spirals down and you submit more to comfort food, causing your weight to increase more. A little 8 year old girl who is bullied for being overweight said something very true the other day. She said to her bully "You know, I can easily lose my weight - but you will always be ugly" Just to clear up - with "ugly" she meant the girl's personality - meaning that she will always be jealous and nasty. The media is under constant scrutiny with the skinny model / obesity debate. There is a middle ground - being too skinny or being obese are equally unhealthy. The right weight for you is a realistic weight where you feel physically and mentally healthy and when you feel good, you should not care about what anyone says about your looks and you should NEVER measure your self-worth on a bathroom scale. A few more practical thoughts: 1) When one is unhappy, one tends to eat more, causing one to gain weight. 2) When you are teased about your weight, you should ask them why your weight is of such importance to them when their personality is so meaningless to you. 3) Don't let other people's words influence how you feel about yourself. 4) People were all created differently and some people battle more to lose weight while others battle to gain weight. Do what you can that's healthy to lose weight - but do not obsess about it, because then you won't lose weight. Please let me know your thoughts and feelings on this!

Forgive for YOU

When someone said to me that I should forgive everyone who has ever hurt me - I told them that they are nuts! I was told that you don't forgive for others, you forgive for yourself.It took me a long time to get a better understanding of this. I always thought that forgiveness meant that what they did was okay and that I was wrong to feel the way I did about what they did. I then heard someone else say that was not the case - you need to be clear that you still believe that what they did was wrong, but you will no longer be consumed by those actions. Forgiveness is when you can think about the trauma without being hurt, angry or upset or feel hatred towards the person who induced the hurt. I also know that you can only forgive when you are ready... It took me 10 years. I don't want it to take you 10 years because it caused me a lot of anguish. During times when I should've been happy - I couldn't be. I over-reacted about small things. I was not able to live life to the full. You need to do a spring-cleaning of your heart, clear the blockages and realise that you are really a great person with lots to give, else you would not have been targetted by an insecure, envious bully. Forgive as soon as you can - it's really the most amazing feeling to feel secure, fulfilled, loving and kind. Please contact me so that I can give you advice on coping with your unique situation. My website again - www.adigc.com

The Bully's side of the story

I've come to realise that bullies actually have a psychological problem which causes them to do what they do. The problem more than likely stem from a troubled upbringing, lack of attention, even abuse. The victim is often envied for their perceived 'great life' or possessions or relationships with parents or close friends, even their school performance.

Jealousy is a very toxic emotion which could easily spiral out of control.

If someone is jealous of you and bullies you, you should not let this stop you from living your life normally. Don't give over your power to anyone and don't let their jealousy get the better of your behaviour and self-esteem.

Remember they don't even realise why they do what they do and therefore they have no right to be in charge of you. Hard as it may be - keep going where you go and keep doing what you are doing.

Whoever envies another confesses his superiority. ~Samuel Johnson, The Rambler

My Story

I firstly want to thank Natalie for inspiring me to finally deal with all my issues that stemmed from being bullied as a teenager. Her story has made me realise that my case was not isolated and that so many kids, especially girls get bullied. We are told how bad we are and when our parents try to step in, it often gets even worse, because bullies' parents feel that "if my little angel says you're a so-and-so, it MUST be true".

That happened to me too and after 10 years, every word they have said has been proven untrue. Unfortunately my two biggest bullies must've gone deaf and blind as they ignore me flaunting their lies to them, but hey, I couldn't care less! They were wrong, I was right and if I'm the only one who knows that, that is just fine by me.

See, parents only believe about their kids what they choose to - especially when they are not in touch with their kids - which usually is the cause of kids going off the rails, causing them to become bullies.

I really hope that my story can help at least one girl out there - I think most of our stories are very similar. Please tell me your story too!